Day Thirteen: Five things that you absolutely should not say to someone ever

My mum used to tell me that I was about as subtle as a ton of bricks. (Hint: bricks are not subtle. They are, like, the least subtle ever.) Subtlety is key in being an adult though. Being able to say the rights things at the right times without making people hate you is a fine art. I’m working on it. In fact, I’ve compiled a list of “don’ts”, so that you can avoid the mistakes that I’ve made.

 

The Bopf Blog presents (in association with Common Sense and Social Graces)…

The Five Things That You Absolutely Should Not Say to Someone Ever:

 

1. “You will love this!”

Will I? Really? Unless you are me or you know me incredibly well, it’s probably not safe for you to tell me what I love. If my boyfriend of four years finds a new food product, brings it home, tries it, and then offers some to me with those words, I would be inclined to believe him. He knows what I love. When a salesperson in a store sees me looking at a pair of pants and grabs a similar (but, let’s face it, hideous) pair and gushes that if I like those ones then I’m going to freak when I see these, I have to stop myself from openly grimacing. And what then, if I don’t love the proffered item? I have to pretend that I’m eternally grateful for the recommendation, and endure the smug look of satisfaction on their faces when they think that they were right.

“I knew you would love it!”

No, I’m just trying not to offend you–which isn’t really fair since you’ve already offended me by suggesting that I would love a photograph of an ejaculating llama.

Why not just say, “based on the choices you have made in the past, you might enjoy this item, but I won’t watch you expectantly to see if you do and then look crestfallen when you don’t”. Or something.

 

2. “I know how you feel.”

Someone has just poured their heart out to you about losing a child or being diagnosed with cancer, or maybe even both. What should you say to them? There are lots of lovely, sympathetic words you could offer, but “I know how you feel” does not fall within this category. It’s especially inappropriate when you follow it with “because my dog died last year and it was tough”. I’m sure it was tough, but do you know what you’ve just done in trying to empathise with your friend? You’ve made this about you. You’ve also compared losing a child or getting cancer to the death of a pet. (I will add here that my dog is part of my family, and to lose her would be a lot like losing a family member, but a dog who can make it to ten has actually had a long life.)

Try one of these more appropriate phrases instead:

“That’s really terrible news. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“That sucks, but I know you’re strong and you can get through this” (probably applies more to the ‘cancer diagnosis’ scenario than the ‘lost a child’ scenario, depending on how soon after the trauma you’re speaking to them.)

“I’m here to listen and I also know of some great support groups that you can look into if you feel you need to talk.”

Even if you have been in their exact situation, they probably still don’t want to hear that you know how they feel. Excellent. Somebody else knows terror and misery. That makes me feel better. When in doubt, hug it out.

 

3. “No offence, but…”

This is generally followed by a highly offensive statement. People use this one like an insurance policy. You can’t be insulted if I said ‘no offense’ first, right? This one’s kind of a no-brainer though. If you say to someone, “No offense, but your baby looks like Smeagol”, you’re unlikely to get off the hook.

Try just keeping the inflammatory remarks to a minimum.

 

4. “That thing you’re eating/using/doing gives you cancer.”

Oh, thank you, Doctor Tactless. Your sage advice has just saved my life. And made me feel like shit. I’m drinking from a plastic bottle, not chain-smoking and guzzling vodka. When someone says those words to you, your next question should be:

“Where did you hear that?”

If their answer is one of the following–“I read it in an article online”, “Someone at work was talking about it”, or “It’s just a well-known fact”–you have permission to reach across and slap them with a peer-reviewed study of your choice. I’m all for the spread of information, and am aware that some things are indeed carcinogenic, but putting fear into the hearts of your friends because you heard something somewhere is just circulating misinformation and hysteria. You could at least wait until they’ve finished eating/using/doing that thing, and bring up the topic at another time. After you’ve done some research please. I want sources, people!

You know what else gives you cancer? Oxygen.

 

5. “You look really tired.”

Why don’t you just get really specific and tell me that the bags under my eyes are big enough to put all of your groceries in and that my skin seems to sag like a well-worn leather satchel? I get that this is kind of a concerned statement, but it just comes across as pointing out flaws. If I am tired, I’ll feel shit because you noticed, and if I’m not tired I’ll just be plain offended. It’s in the same school as, “Holy shit, you’re pale! Are you sick or something?”

Nope, just not wearing any makeup today. Thanks for the confidence booster. Why not try inquiring about someone’s health instead of making bold statements about how they appear?

“How are you feeling today?”

“How are you going with keeping up with that new baby?”

“You are the nicest shade of alabaster.” (A girl can dream.)

 

The common theme here is that making assumptions and tempering snarky comments with disclaimers makes you sound like a jack-ass. You should work on that.

Also, no offence, but you look really tired. I totally know how you feel though because one time a dog barking woke me up. You should try this eye cream that I use; you will love it! It’s so much better than the one that you’re currently using which has been proven to give you cancer.

 

TB