Day Ninety-Five: Dumping in the Great Barrier Reef is like eating white rhino steaks (and other offensive activities)

We used to be into the Tasmanian Tiger cutlets, but, well, you know…

Today’s post is brought to you by Morbo.

ImageEven so, it doesn’t hurt to, you know, not deliberately wreak havoc on our one-off natural wonders.


Dumping dredge spoil in the Great Barrier Reef marine park is a bit like:

Wiping your arse with the Shroud of Turin

ImageSorry, the nearest paper was like twenty metres away. We have more of these though, right?


Building a McDonald’s in the Great Pyramid of Giza

ImageWell, have you heard about the rent prices in the Sphinx lately? Phew.


Filling the Grand Canyon to facilitate a new highway

ImageWell, we had to sacrifice LA and forge a new coastline to provide enough dirt, but the 15 minutes this cuts off the drive is so worth it.


Housing a sewage plant in the Colosseum

ImageWe like to play Gladiators, except instead of lions we run from walls of gushing effluent.


Testing rocket launchers at Stonehenge

ImageOK, guys, this one definitely works. We, uh, need a new range now though. How about the Great Wall of China? Bigger surface area.


Wanton destruction annoys me. Wanton destruction of super amazing one-of-a-kind things makes me want to invite the dime-a-dozen idiots who make these decisions to a ropeless bungee from the Empire State Building.




Day Seventy-Seven: Why my road rage is justifiable (now with terrible illustrations)


*Deep breath* I have road rage.

Well, that wasn’t so hard. Admitting is the first step, right?

I don’t have it to the point where I’m stopping my car at traffic lights and advancing on people with a golf club (I’m more of a lead pipe kind of person), but I have been known to yell and swear and gesture wildly at other drivers. I don’t flip them the bird because I’m lady-like, and I like my teeth where they are, but I do give them a good talking-to… from inside my car, with the windows done up.

I know I should strive to be a calmer driver—lord knows my boyfriend/parents/co-workers have suggested this to me enough times—but some days I think that other drivers are just out to piss me off.


By way of example, I give you this morning’s drive:


Scenario One:


I never said I could draw cars… or anything really


I am driving through a tunnel where the speed limit is 80km/h. The people in my lane finally decide to press the little pedal next to the brake, and we’re sitting pretty at 80. That is, until the moron in the four-wheel-drive (SUV/Douche-mobile) decides that things would really be much better if we slowed down to 60. As I came up behind this guy, I was forced to brake violently to reach his sudden speed of 70, then 60. And he was barely pushing 60. The problem here is that everyone else is going 80 (or at the very least, 70), so encountering someone who is doing 20 under is going to cause some congestion. Not only did this fool slow to a crawl just before his exit (and when I say just before, I mean 100 metres, and by exit, I mean slight veer to the left), but after I passed him, I noticed that he didn’t have his headlights on. Safety first, hey?


Scenario Two:


Urge to merge: high


I am driving in a merry line of cars down a ramp to join a stretch of motorway. Our lane does not merge, but rather becomes the centre lane of the three-lane road. As our lane spits us out next to the other ones, someone in the right lane decides that they need to merge into my lane THIS VERY SECOND LIKE RIGHT NOW and begins to do so. Since I am roughly one car length behind the car in front of me, I am forced to brake to avoid a nasty collision. The person in the other car seems to suddenly realise that I am there, in my very difficult to spot bright-red car, and swerves slightly, but ploughs on in front of me anyway, only to then hop immediately into the far left lane. My heart pounding, I happen to look in my rear-view mirror. Guess how many cars were behind me? That’s right, friends. Zero. Not a vehicle in sight. To add insult to injury, the offending car then did not exit for a good kilometre.


Scenario Three:


Almost needed a pants change after this one (the incident, not the drawing… although…)


There is nothing I love more on the road than a good eighteen-wheeled, smoke-spewing, deafeningly-loud truck. So, obviously, I enjoy having them drive beside me. Hell, if I can have one on either side, plus in front and behind my car, I am a happy woman. It’s particularly useful when the truck is to my left and wishes to merge. I was driving alongside this bad boy for about 100 metres before the merge came upon us. I was as close to the car in front of me as I could be without just hooking up to their bumper and hitching a ride. My nose was slightly in front of the truck’s. So it slowed a bit and slipped in behind me, right? Oh, my dear, no. That jerk put his foot down and inched his nose forward in front of mine, as if to say, “I am truck! I shall crush all who stand/drive in my path!” or probably, “I’m going to merge in front of you, tiny red car.” The problem with this one is pretty obvious: I don’t want to die. So, using all the swears in my vocabulary, I quickly darted across to the right lane, allowing jerk-face-truck-wanker to railroad into the spot I’d just vacated. I was almost tempted to remain in the lane, in his path, just to see what he would do. When your vehicle is over five metres long, you do not try to race the (max) two metre zipmobile beside you. Even if you do manage to gain two metres on me, you’ve got more than three left to deal with, and smashing them sideways into my car is ill-advised. Of course, I haven’t got to the best part. Once again, there was nobody directly behind me. In fact, there was a gap so large that two trucks could have comfortably merged there, made a truck baby, and had that merge as well.


Most of my friends who’ve never seen me angry will tell you that I am a charming and level-headed person. (Don’t ask the ones who’ve seen me angry; their trauma is still too fresh.) Having said that, I don’t suffer fools—especially fools who choose to equip themselves with vehicles and share the road with me.

All I’m asking is for a consistent speed. All I’m asking for is for you to take your foot off the accelerator and not just slam the brakes. All I’m asking is for you to check your blind spot and notice the moving ‘danger’ sign that is my red car. All I’m asking, fellow motorists, is for a healthy blood pressure while driving. That’s not too much, is it?





Day Seventy-One: My opinion on Bernardi’s opinion


Lots of people say stupid things. Sometimes they say them to just one person, who can swiftly reach over and slap them, and end things right there. Other times, they will spout their idiocy in a large group, prompting eye rolls, anger, and mutterings of “what a dickface”. Then there are those people who take their moronic comments, launch them to a great height, and let them rain down upon greater society. I’m talking, of course, about the esteemed Senator Cory Bernardi.

The only thing I love more than someone with very strong opinions is someone with very strong opinions who wants you to respect their opinions (while your opinions can just fuck right off, thank you). It is my opinion that when you suggest very publicly to a country how said country ought to function, you cease to have the protection of “everyone’s entitled to an opinion” and enter the realm of “are you kidding me with this shit?”

Remember, if you would, back to the time when Australian families were all sickeningly happy and heterosexual, when there was no crime, no juvenile delinquency, no abortion, and everyone just did whatever their boss wanted them to. Struggling? So, it seems, is history. I would be more inclined to agree with ‘going back to the glory days’ if in fact such days ever existed (or the dude talking about them was even born when they supposedly happened). There have been lots of changes in our society, some for better and some for worse, but if evolution has taught us anything, it’s that survival is all about adapting, not fighting change. (I’m sick of this filthy air-breathing that humans have come to embrace. I say we go back to the sea! In fact, I regularly and publicly attempt to breathe water. Water is the best…)

I wouldn’t be so annoyed by Bernardi’s comments (OK, I probably would be) if he just expressed them in a way that didn’t condemn thousands of people and ignore other pertinent contributing issues. I feel the best way to illustrate what I mean is by quoting the man himself. Oh, I do love a good quote!

(Note: these are quotes from the book, The Conservative Revolution, as printed by the ABC on Monday January 6. Sadly, I have not read the book, and can accept the possibility that these quotes may be abberations in an otherwise well-balanced and intelligent piece of literature…)


On abortion:

“The political pressure from the left has ushered us into a morbid new world. It is not enough to stop the trend. What is needed is a reversal back to sanity and reason.”


Oh, yes, we baby-killing fag enablers are only that way because the political left ‘ushered’ us that way. Nobody was getting abortions before the political left came in and started handing them out. I’m not sure where Sen Bernardi suggests we reverse back to, but it’s probably so far that he’d be pulled over and fined for reckless driving.


On the number of abortions per year (after his figures were disputed):

“It’s a lot and I don’t know anyone in this country that wants to see more abortions; in fact, I think most people would like to see less abortions.”


Are you kidding? People love abortions! Just like they love choosing to euthanise their pets. Of course nobody wants to see abortion become the next botox (which is what I think when I hear ‘trend’), but plenty would agree that as long as women are requesting and using this service, it should be available and safe. The notion that making something legal and available makes people want to do it more has been disproven with drug decriminalisation in smarter countries—although, to be fair, nobody just tries abortion at a party and gets addicted to it, so perhaps the legalisation of the two shouldn’t be compared.


On what he proposes we do about it:

“I haven’t said we should outlaw or prohibit abortion; I have said there is a right-to-life issue we should be exploring.”


Since ‘unlawful’ abortion is still illegal in Queensland, New South Wales, and Tasmania, and it’s an issue governed by states rather than at a federal level, I’d say this comment is redundant. For interest’s sake: Abortion is legal under some circumstances—like serious danger to the physical and mental wellbeing of a woman (Queensland, New South Wales), “maternal health” or “foetal disability (South Australia and Northern Territory), or provided that the services are performed under strict medical supervision at the advice of doctors (other states). I wonder what kind of “exploring” Sen Bernardi is proposing. Based on his other comment—”I think we need to start to investigate measures and ways in which we can assist in that regard”—I’d say he has about zero idea.


On modern families:

“Given the increasing number of ‘non-traditional’ families, there is a temptation to equate all family structures as being equal or relative.”


Bah! Equality! Wouldn’t that just be ridiculous? On what grounds would anyone even think to suggest that these ‘non-traditional’ families were as good as the fast-falling mum-dad-and-two-point-four-kids model? I actually agree with Sen Bernardi here. I am tempted to equate all family structures as being equal (though perhaps I would use less redundant language to express the sentiment). I’m sorely tempted to believe that it doesn’t matter in what family structure you grow up as long as you are loved, educated, and cared for.


On juvenile deliquency in single-parent families:

“Why then the levels of criminality among boys and promiscuity among girls who are brought up in single-parent families, more often than not headed by a single mother?”


While it’s true that juvenile crime has been linked to single parent families (at least according to the studies I scanned), the reason is not the single parenting itself, but the correlation between single parent families and neglect—though the percentage of total abuse victims who came from these families was not significant. Other contributing factors included poverty, low social status, and crowded dwellings (i.e. big families). A child with two parents may get more attention and support, but he may not. Two dads earning good money to support their one child should theoretically have fewer problems than a straight couple struggling to raise a brood of eight on unemployment payments. Then again, when were children ever predictable? Some of those I see in trouble with the law come from the most stable, two-parented, financially-blessed families around.


On alternative (and fanciful) methods of starting a family:

“What is missing in the push for human cloning, in vitro fertilisation and surrogacy, for example, is the understanding that children come into families as gifts, not commodities.”


Yeah, guys. Quit all that cloning, all right? But seriously, try telling someone undergoing IVF that they’re failing to see children as gifts rather than commodities, and you’ll probably cop a hormone-and-disappointment-fuelled kick to the nards. Generally speaking, the same goes for surrogacy. There aren’t many women out there whose first choice is to have someone else carry their child (and I’m sure if a gay male couple could somehow produce a child without a woman involved, they would). Surrogacy, like IVF, is a long and involved process with no guarantee of success. Altruistic surrogacy is now legal in all Australian states and territories, and allows for the practice to occur if there is no payment exchanged (beyond medical expenses). Doesn’t that sound like the definition of a gift?


On his “enduring views” that are totally not far right:

“These are traditional views that have stood the test of time and been developed over successive generations. You can’t tamper with tradition and not expect there to be adverse consequences.”


So I’ve learned every Christmas when I try to tell people how horrible fruit mince pies are, and how we should ditch the roast and eat Thai food. In this case, though, the adverse consequences are people whining, “but it’s tradiiishuuuuun” and the resolution that I will do things my own way when I have kids. The thing is, traditions are just things that people have done for a long time. Beating your wife might be traditional in your family, but that doesn’t make it the best path. There are plenty of ridiculous traditions being upheld all around the world. The problem with tradition is that it’s rigid, and it ignores the obvious changes that are contributing to its becoming obsolete.


And one more, on the (apparently needless) separation of Church and State:

“I believe that by stripping God and religious principles from our culture (and our politics) we have become a nation which does not know which port it is sailing to.”


You know what keeps ships on course? Compasses. You know what doesn’t? Bibles. Bad analogies aside (which port does he think we should be sailing to? I’m genuinely curious about his elaboration on this one), the separation of religion and politics is kind of a cornerstone of our government system. Many (some would argue, enough) of our legal principles come from basic Christian teachings anyway—don’t kill other people, don’t steal, don’t embezzle $40 billion from your company and drain the retirement funds of every person who works for you. Well, maybe just, ah, don’t steal. It’s probably not a lack of religious guidance that is cutting our country adrift (geddit?) but a government and corporate system that values money over people and maintaining the status quo over risking a beneficial change. But then, maybe there is something to be said for running a country based on Buddhist principl— What’s that? Only Christian? Never mind.


Obviously, it would be pretty hypocritical of me to ask you to accept my opinion as the true word of God/Allah/Ganesha/FlyingSpaghettiMonster, but I hope you’ve found them stimulating nonetheless. Besides, I’m only a small ripple in the vast ocean of the internet. (I do promise to be more responsible when I enter parliament, publish a book, and get interviewed by the ABC.)